Merry Christmas Break, everyone, from your treacherously unfaithful TheBryanLion! TheBryanLion supposes that it is rather fitting that TheBryanLion is neither faithful nor brilliant and attributes all of its update-shortcomings to TheBryanLion's strict doctrine of civil disobedience. TheBryanLion, in fear of becoming too faithfully brilliant in its updates, has taken careful measure to embody a faithless ignorance and begs for your understanding and forgiveness. Now, on to business.

After careful, intense, painful, week-long deliberation (not counting the weekend), President Stephen D. Livesay has given the "go-ahead" on the construction of a new girls' dorm, tentatively (and creatively) referred to as North Hall. The massive influx of suckers--or, pardon me; TheBryanLion meant students--to the hallowed halls of Bryan College has made a new dorm crucially necessary. Rumor has it that, as it is, the facilities of Woodlee-Ewing Men's Dorm are housing at minimum 189 students per room (logistically speaking, that allots each student approximately 4.2 inches of personal space as long as the students devise an ingenius system of levers, pulleys, and a time-space continuum distorter to "maximize comfort"). Even more scandalous is the (practically-verified) rumor that the lower first floor of Long (Girls') Dorm has been set apart for--brace yourselves, good Christian gentlemen and gentlewomen--the housing of boys. Yes, you heard correctly: boys in a girls' dorm! You  let go of "Christ Above All" for even a second and already you've got guys in the girls' dorm, BC! Get ahold of yourself! What would Jesus say about that? Better yet, what would the board of trustees say about that? Consider the children! Luckily, word on the street is that the boys of "Woodlee South" (as it's commonly referred to in the vernacular), contrary to earlier predictions, have actually multiplied their intense manliness in order to combat the effiminate influence that constantly permeates the air of a girls' dorm. The Woodlee-South boys have apparently created a sort of gang or cult, calling themselves "South-siders" and making irreverent symbols with their hands and wailing like young dogs at the moon or heifers in heat whenever their beloved "south-side" is mentioned in public. They've also been rumored to kill cows at night, drink the blood of bats and other nocturnal mammals, and worship the Dark Lord Satan by refusing to recycle their cans or dispose of their styrofoam cups properly; however, they have not yet and quite possibly do not intend on entering any of the upper floors of the girls' dorm. President Stephen Livesay refused to comment on the matter. President George Bush, however, is quoted as saying, "Them boys is freaks."*

(* = TheBryanLion would like to apologize for the misattribution of this quote. It was not, as mentioned in the article, stated by George Bush, the current American president, but was stated instead by Bushy George, the strange hobo who resides in the dumpster just outside of Long Dorm. Once again, TheBryanLion offers its apologies for this mix-up.)

But, devilish dorm drama aside, TheBryanLion has little to report. Remember, kids: Santa ain't real.

TheBryanLion wishes you all a very merry Christmas. In the midst of this fun, flashy, and flamboyant holiday, TheBryanLion exhorts you to remember the true "reason for the season" (TheBryanLion just thought of that wonderful saying at this very instant and deemed it to be quotationably-clever and reminds everyone of our nation's copyright laws): our Lord Jesus Christ was born into our world and would one day die a terrible death upon the cross for the sins of mankind--for your sins, and for TheBryanLion's sins (which are few, but TheBryanLion is still very thankful that they're covered). Have fun, write some satire, imbibe the egg-nog, burn the yule-log (or eat a bit of Auntie Claire's fruitcake and drop a yule-log), but always remember our merciful Lord Christ. So, sincerely:

Merry Christmas!
(...and, for those who enjoy the whole "faithful brilliance" thing, Happy Hanukkah)

So, it seems as though my hibernation is over. It certainly has been a very long summer, but by popular demand and through support from viewers like him, TheBryanLion has returned.

Bryan College is now celebrating its 75th year, and with an exhilarating new semester lying ahead of the students, one can only ask: What is Bryan College's secret? Reports coming into TheBryanLion state that approximately 4,229, 683 new students have arrived (representing 36 states, 4 countries, and one golden street in Heaven itself, as reported by the Administration). They are all, of course, gleaming with the lackadaisical, directionless, and violently nauseated visage that so often accompanies the first run-in with the near-lethal combination of 9lbs. of Ramen, 13 cans of pop, the finest cafeteria cuisine in the land, and hours upon hours of bloodless, wholesome hymns of the faith or in-depth, take-no-prisoners Bible study.

With so many new students, Bryan College is obviously doing something right. But what could it be? What secret does our beloved BC possess that draws so many to this shining citadel of 'Faithful Brilliance' nestled in the heart of the Smokey Mountains only to become Bryan Lions? Let's take a look.

A few weeks ago, the student body was subjected to--no, TheBryanLion apologizes: were privileged to the President's chapel. In it, President Livesay presented his hopes and dreams for the future of Bryan, or, as he stated, "the next 75 years of God's provision and work" [on fascist world domination] "through Bryan College," approximately.

There are several major plans in-the-works for Bryan within the future. In fact, it could be said that the Bryan Administration majors in plans, seeing that about 89.3% of BC assets lie invested into "God's plans for the future," particularly those plans chosen and O.K.'d by the Administration. But Applied Theoretical Economics aside, here's a small list of some upcoming events to note:

There is soon to be the dedication during BC's homecoming of the new William Jennings Bryan statue to be placed by the Rhea County Courthouse. Nothing gives tribute to Bill J. Bryan's "Cross of Gold" legacy like a life-sized, idealized, and pasteurized monolith positioned strategically in the location of Satan's greatest modern-day defeat. Bravo, truly!

Also, the highly-regarded Staley Lecture Series is set to commence in September. This year Bryan has gone out on a limb and decided to tackle head-on an issue never before dealt with: "What is a worldview?" TheBryanLion knows: it's hard for you to restrain yourself. Personally, TheBryanLion had no idea that our Administration was brave enough--no, I dare say diabolically bold enough--to pioneer into such an untouched and unknown frontier. It's certainly a good thing that Bryan College students don't get the entire concept of 'worldview' from start to finish, top to bottom, alpha to omega shoved constantly down their mouths and out of their butts (which might be mistaken for their mouths, or vice versa), day in, day out. It is a very good thing. Otherwise, that whole idea might get old, and the Lord knows we can't have that.

Events aside, we all know that the students who choose to attend Bryan choose it for its infallible combination of both faith and education. One of the greatest examples of this that TheBryanLion can think of is 'The Chapel Prayer.' The Chapel Prayer epitomizes all that is Bryan College: only here at Bryan can one receive such a "higher form of higher education" that lectures are actually delivered simultaneously with the prayers. At Bryan, we believe in the wholehearted (and utterly literal) integration of Education and Faith!

Okay. TheBryanLion must be honest. Bryan's ultimate secret is that...

BRYAN IS (secretly, of course) RUN BY RICHARD SIMMONS!

Yes! It is true! The mighty Richard Simmons is sitting in an elaborate and futuristic control center high above the earth as we speak, through which he manipulates the movements, motions, and happenings across all of Bryan. The level of his infiltration is unknown to TheBryanLion, but rumor has it that certain Administrative officials don't even exist! They are mere puppets--puppets of the Great One! What else could explain the introduction of such a flamboyant motto as "Faithful Brilliance" into our already perfected worldview? Dear friends, you--yes, even YOU--may not be safe!

SHOW ME THAT FAITHFUL BRILLIANCE!

Admit it. You love TheBryanLion. More than Richard Simmons loves Oldies and Spandex. Together.

TheBryanLion did not realize it had such an incredible number of fans, both vocal and non-vocal about their support. In an effort to build community and give the people what they so desire, TheBryanLion has created a new and improved look for audience-friendly viewing. Hopefully, in re-creating an Onion-esque appearance there will be no more confusion regarding TheBryanLion's intent.

Guinness in a bottle. (Faithfully) Brilliant!

(TheBryanLion recommends this song be sung to the tune of the alma mater)

When the beers have flowed on through us,

Memory's scroll will be untold,

On the cheers we've spent at Bryan,

'Neath the toilet bowl.

By our motto we firmly stand--FAITHFUL BRILLIANCE--

Grails to thee our alma mater, grails our Bryan, grails.

Seeing as TheBryanLion overestimated students’ ability to discern tongue-in-cheek humor, and greatly underestimating their ability to overreact, misunderstand, and ignore further clarification as to the purpose of this weblog, TheBryanLion has determined it is in the best interest of everyone to discontinue its use. TheBryanLion regrets your inability to comprehend simple things.

TheBryanLion assumed that with the birthdate being 1930, and names like Pauly Shore and Richard Simmons, you might actually pick up on the fact that it was all a joke!

Did you actually think that TheBryanLion did not realize next year's statue is coming from a special account? Although TheBryanLion knew it, that the money to fund the statue came from not renewing a contract was actually a common complaint/accusation TheBryanLion kept hearing!  

If you think that this was satirizing the administration, hence the accusations of “libel,” etc....you are wrong. It is you, the student populace who remains in a constant state of discontent. First, you all get fired up and angry against your administration, neglecting the good it has done, and blaming it for everything including the weather. Then you turn around and accuse anyone you think might be insulting your administration. Though obviously absurd for a reason, you think TheBryanLion’s comments were harsh. Do you listen to yourselves?

This BryanLion is tired of that and would recommend you all get a grip.